The CurtFace Archives
CurtFace 7/1/2009
CurtFace prefers to be sitting in the dark
People tell him its creepy
But CurtFace don't care
CurtFace knows that only in the darkness...
...Can he plays with the weebles
The magical magical weebles
CurtFace 6/24/2009
CurtFace knows how to look innocent...
Even when he isn't...
Which is pretty much all the time...
But you would never know.
For even though CurtFace may have nuked a whale
He is giving you those puppy dog eyes and you can't resist
So give it up
Who gives a fuck about the whales anyway?
CurtFace 6/21/2009
Sometimes CurtFace gets all blurry
No one really understands why
Or more importantly, no one understands the mechanism behind this
It boggles the noggin
And anything else worth boggling!
CurtFace 6/17/2009
CurtFace may appear young to some
Depending on the season of course
But CurtFace is wise far beyond on his years in the ways of the world
While you are thinking of ways to exploit a naive CurtFace...
CurtFace has already removed you spleen
You didn't even feel that did you?
CurtFace 6/14/2009
CurtFace is known to hang out with some 'odd' characters
Sometimes they are the lowest of the low
Or espically seedy
Other times though...
CurtFace just chills with a giant bunny man
Named Melvin...
...Oh Melvin!
CurtFace 6/10/2009
CurtFace has the ability to get inside your head
He simply sows the seeds of discord into your brain and your done for
All of a sudden your thoughts are being controlled by what amounts as an extremly classy homeless man
For most this is ok, they only see visions of absurd stuns being performed on unicycles
But for those with dark hearts
They see much much worse
Kind of like if God had just taken a giant shit on your frontal lobe
CurtFace 6/07/2009
Sometimes CurtFace just slides in from nowhere
You will think you are alone and look back over your shoulder...
And realize that CurtFace has been hovering right behind you for at least 27 minutes
No one knows how he does this
Many believe he is simply there all the time
Others just say "God Damn CurtFace!"
"You are just a slidey-McGee!"
CurtFace 6/03/2009
CurtFace randomly has mystical experiences
CurtFace says they a crazy crazy thing
He will just sit down and feel like he has fallen into the surface of the Earth
There the mole people poke and prod CurtFace and do other strange things with him
...CurtFace says it still pretty cool though
CurtFace 5/31/2009
Sometimes CurtFace loses some of his sanity
This does not bother CurtFace though, in fact he relishes in it
For those who stay completely sane, never expereience anything
CurtFace knows the only real way to experience life is by losing your sanity
bit by bit
...only through insanity can a CurtFace, or anyone, keep going
CurtFace 5/27/2009
CurtFace can see things that no one else can see
Sometimes these are only minor details that no one cares about anyway
But a lot of the time he sees the ethereal fabric of existence
Curtface cannot put it into words
Yet he knows what he sees
And naviagtes the world accordingly, kind of like he has sonar
CurtFace 5/24/2009
CurtFace is a sly dog
Most people do not realize this
For CurtFace is exceptionally subtle
Yet when you least expect it
CurtFace will have you just where he wants you
... In a giant swimming pool filled with lasagna
CurtFace 5/20/2009
CurtFace can be easily startled
If even one errant move is made it will be too late
CurtFace will be stuck in a five dimensional space time continum of frozeness
...And will be unable to escape this dimension at least until supper time
Afterall, no one wants a curtface to go hungry... unless your a dickface.
You fucking dickface
CurtFace 5/17/2009
Contrary to popular belief CurtFace is quite classy
He likes to sip on small glasses of cognac and other liquids
Sometimes someone will accost CurtFace for being his classy self
...So CurtFace chars them with his cognac breath
REAL nice and toasty
CurtFace 5/13/2009
Sometimes CurtFace can be seen roaming the mountain side
He grabs unsuspecting mountaingoers when they are not looking
Laughing to himself, CurtFace crushes there head
...And as a rainbow flows out of there crushed skull
CurtFace basks in the glow
CurtFace 5/10/2009
This one time CurtFace was walking along and saw a burning house
A woman was outside yelling "save my baby!"
CurtFace ran into the house
Found this fireman attempting to stamp out the face
And among the ghastly screams of the children and the dancing embers of the flame
snapped this picture
and ran out...newly dignifed
CurtFace 5/6/2009
Sometimes CurtFace gets sad
CurtFace sadness is not like normal sadness
...Well I mean it is in most ways
Except that whenever CurtFace sheds a tear...
Someone catches AIDS
This has been scientifically proven, so keep CurtFace happy and stop the spread of AIDS!
CurtFace 5/3/2009
Sometimes CurtFace gets made fun of...
...usually for his choice of sunglasses
CurtFace doesn't mind though
He just smiles at them
Gives them a grand hearty laugh
Then uses his magic sunglassess to cause the person's face to implode
And as they stumble around blind and confused...
...he rips out their heart...
...You know, just for posterity's sake
CurtFace 4/29/2009
Ocasionally CurtFace will try to lick you
At first your like "hey man thats not cool"
But then you realize
That CurtFace loves you
... and more importantly CurtFace Saliva makes you omnipotent for an hour
So deal with it!
CurtFace 4/26/2009
Remember that time Curtface endorsed a beverage?
Someguy saw CurtFace on the street and said
"My God you are perfect! You must pose for me with a beverage"
So right there on the spot CurtFace did
And he did it so well this mysterious man died of overwhelming happiness on the spot
His last words were "rid-onk-la-pop-a-lis"
And there was much rejoicing
Yea...I don't remember it either
CurtFace 4/22/2009
A few times a year CurtFace bellows a mighty roar
This roar can be heard from all corners of the globe
Some revel in it
Some fear it
And sometimes someone in Asia mistakes it for a tsunami
But this mistake is understandable since like a tsunami...
... a CurtFace roar can drown hundreds of thousands of people
So try not to get CurtFace Angry
Lest you drown Asia!
CurtFace 4/19/2009
A CurtFace wink may mean many things
Maybe CurtFace likes you
Maybe CurtFace abhors you
Maybe CurtFace just has something in his eye and is trying to get it out
Maybe your just a fucking face and Curtface is trying to wink you out of existence
But a full on fullface wink
Being the rarest of such winks by a CurtFace
Can only have one possible meaning
the ultimate meaning
And said meaning is really really gooey
CurtFace 4/15/2009
One day CurtFace went off into the mountains
He said he was going out for cigarettes and a wombat
He returned about 44weeks and a day later
When I asked him why CurtFace had been gone so long
CurtFace gave me his most piercing and forgiving eyes
and said... "I went where I had to go, finding a wombat ain't easy"
and I asked: Why? why a wombat?
CurtFace replied "You lack the faceitude to know"
he then threw the wombat at my face
and as it clung to my head and gnawed on my skull...
I achieved enlightenment
For I knew then...i could never live up to pure demonstrable faceitude of a CurtFace
CurtFace 5/20/2008
CurtFace knows it ain't easy being king of the Walrui
Those Walrui are a unruly lot
but Curtface, being a CurtFace afterall, brings down the hammer
and A Walrus may have around 1000 pounds on a CurtFace...
... but CurtFace power up on sushi and releases the Walrucide
CurtFace 5/18/2008
Back in Mother Russia
CurtFace said it was "so cold...
... you could freeze your fucking fingers off!"
but of course I didn't believe him
and today I only still have 3 and a half fingers
because if you doubt a furt face...
he bites your fingers off!
And, man, that hurts!
Like really bad.
.... and its really bloody.
CurtFace 5/15/2008
Once in days gone by... CurtFace looked at the sun
And, as his retinas burned away, he had an epiphany...
"Goddamn. That sun's the boss."
"And it has herpes."
With that sheepish grin, he chuckled to himself
"man, that sounds like fun!"
CurtFace 5/13/2008
Sometimes CurtFace smile
and when he does...
his pals Jesus comes over and they play fuzzy fingers in the sandbox
... and Jesus is totally black
CurtFace 5/11/2008
Don't ever look the wrong way at a CurtFace
For if you do, he will strike
It may be instantly or it may be his next available Tuesday...
...But he WILL Strike...
with his JUSTICE STICK!
and damn if that stick ain't fucking pointy
.............. and it might have poop on it
CurtFace 5/10/2008
CurtFace ain't no fucking homeless guy
He has a home, and it's AWESOMEEEEE
but that doesn't mean that CurtFace is going to stop watching you...
... while you sleep and/or bathe
and then later that night...
He fantasizes weird shit about you
and oh shit... it's fucking DIRTY
CurtFace 5/9/2008
Sometimes CurtFace gets the hunger
Burrito's satify that hunger... so do infants
Those juicy juicy infants
So when CurtFace can't find an infant, he gets a burrito
CurtFace gets them with beans and cheese... and a dash of baby blood, just like momma used to make
CurtFace 5/8/2008
Have you ever witnessed a exorcism?
... CurtFace has witnessed a exorcism
"CurtFace said the exocism was crazy, crazy thing"
"Like you know, that crazy thing, and it's just so crazy!"
And then one day I tried to ponder the meaning of this
and realized, Curt would always be more of a face than I could ever be.
CurtFace 5/7/2008
What is a CurtFace?
A CurtFace is like a bear with a mans face.
And the bear is cuddly, but the face kind of scares you...
...but not because you think he is going to eat you.
But altough he scares you, you know, deep down in your gut...
.... only a CurtFace can prevent forrest fires
CurtFace 5/6/2008
What is a CurtFace?
A CurtFace is like a rainbow on a sunday morning.
A Curt face is like peach ice cream without the ice cream.... and twice as many peaches, so... really.... it's like a bowl of 10,000 peaches
...and peaches are good for other things
....you know what I am talking about....
..... just like a CurtFace
CurtFace 5/5/2008
Pizza face.... we are just gonna say SAUCY! For a CurtFace is the sauce of life